Re: joke request - tight arsed people. So I stopped to help him, his lug nuts were on super tight, so we both pushed on the tire iron with our full weight, which was a mistake, you see, because i lost my balance, and fell hard, with an audible snap! He was just going through a stage. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.". How does NASA organise a party? People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders. Not only is it terrible, its terrible. What do you call a dead magician? Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. She reaches around her back, unzips the zipper a little. 97. AskEngineers is a serious discussion-based subreddit with a focus on evidence and logic. Without hesitating, the man says "I wanna be White, Tight, and out of sight!" Too much sax and violins. Start in England and drive west. And a slice of lemon. No matter how many times I've seen episodes of The Office over and over again (thanks, Netflix!) How to describe the new Martin Luther King statue? 'Get the quarterback! But hay its in my jeans. He needed a little space. Im addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. 6 Tommy Cooper - Called to the Bar. In the quiet, she could feel her pulse throbbing in her neck. You do realize that vampires aren't real. 1 Tommy Cooper Jokes - One liners (Cooperisms) 2 More Cooperisms Sent in by Readers. 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The professor was discussing anatomy of the gastrointestinal tract, specifically the mouth/neck. We take a closer look at some of the funniest one-liner jokes of all time below. Whatever he tries, she is still just terrible, either missing the ball completely or taking chunks out of the grass. if I could go deeper I would. Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, theyll want to use it. A 2017 study in the Journal of Nonverbal Behavior found that a sense of humor can even be the foundation of a new friendship, because it demonstrates that you both share a similar worldview. I ask her why she can buy stuff like that but i can't. 5. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. Hes never gonna give you Up. Short and sweet. Crime in multi-storey car parks. Its shift work. But you've sinned and have to atone. I can also tell when she's standing. Or: Wouldn't give you the drippings from his nose. Then six came in with his +1. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? you don't see me saying "tighter". I said sure, so she tells me to stick a finger in. The man who invented Velcro has died. 23. 3 Tommy Cooper Jokes - Two liners. "Get your hands off me! "You haven't exactly been Mr. Easygoing lately either, you know." He was quiet so long she almost looked at him. Now you go and behave yourself.' The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. "That's incredible!!" 223 Money One Liners - The funniest money jokes - OneLineFun.com Money one liners That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent". I am over 18 Two guys, one old timer and one in his mid 20's, are pushing their carts around Lowe's when they collide. An abra-cadaver. A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. Dirty Short Jokes What is the difference between anal se* and a microwave? As normal they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality. 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves. 18. So I had to put my foot down. 4. True brethren. Department : womens. Sigh, the skirt is still too tight, she reaches behind her a third time. We do not allow unsubstantiated opinions on engineering topics, low effort one-liner comments, memes, off-topic replies, or pejorative name-calling. As the famed conductor and pianist Victor Borge once said, "Laughter is the closest distance between two people." he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. Tight with Money Joke 2 My Dad is so tight as kids we were 8 before we realised the gas meter wasn't our piggy bank! a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. It was pitch black and stone quiet. 32. What if there were no hypothetical questions? Even the bank says my balance is outstanding! Why are art collectors such big fans of gasoline? I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Two large hands grab her by the waist, lifting her up and placing her at the top of the steps. One Liners and Short Jokes What is red, white, and blue? They planet. 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country Get the quarterback!' If you've ever shared a joke with a close friend, you know that's true. var xhr = new XMLHttpRequest(); He announced to the gathering that that he would give a reward of 200 to the person who found it. Animal Jokes; Bar Jokes; Blonde Jokes; Celebrity Jokes; Dirty Jokes; Ethnic Jokes; Holiday Jokes; . It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse. 6. 4 Tommy Cooper Jokes With Garry Kasparov. And, after you find the one that has cracked you up, be sure to vote for it! Many of the tight money tight puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed? He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. Me: "Let me sleep" - Brain: "lol, no, let's stay awake and remember every stupid decision you made in your life."- Me:"Okay" "What idiot called it insomnia and not resisting a rest?" "I want to sleep Doctor, but my brain won't stop talking to itself" "Today I'm wearing a lovely shade of I slept like crap so don't piss me off!" Not all of them have a deeper meaning. Many of the tighter body puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. Give them a straight jacket. It takes screen shots. Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each others stories. So when I got home I high-fived my wallet. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners The brunette says, "I'm so tight, my husband can only fit 3 fingers in me." "These are my khakis.". 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. Milton Jones, Two fish are sitting in a tank. From witty one-liners that require some humor to good one-liners to share with kids, these hilarious jokes will make any conversation more lively. So whether you enjoy texting funny one-liners to your best friend or can't wait to test these out in public, here are the 101 best one-liners. You look for fresh prints. Make the trans' vest tight. 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' Only four words, but one of the most famous jokes in American comedy. Whenever he throws a punch, it Neverlands. Don't look down. From punny ones to funny, and, of course, straight up corny, there's a joke for absolutely anyone here. Always borrow money from a pessimist. How far do you think I can kick this bucket. And a shot of tequila. How about: Tight as a camel's arse in a sandstorm. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. I choose round. Sarah Millican, My wife its difficult to say what she does. 'My lips are sealed.' 66. 43. 10. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I have been with a loose girl.' And he says, "I can't". One says, How do you drive this thing?. We suggest to use only working tighter physique piadas for adults and blagues for friends. "Ma'am, as much as I don't mind," the gentleman paused,"you were pulling down my zipper". 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips Quickly pulling a gun, he marched the naked fellow into the garage where he tightly secured the neighbor's private parts in the vise on the workbench. ". The man says, "its not for my underarms". I dont suffer from insanityI enjoy every minute of it. The old timer says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. 85. 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. 41. It will be a low key funeral. navigator.sendBeacon('https://www.google-analytics.com/collect', payload); The last thing grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? 2. If you dont pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? I wasn't that hungry, so I just ate a kid's meal at McDonalds. Where are average things manufactured? Christian Bale. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. "Maybe this is the beer talking, but I'm an alcoholic drink made from yeast-fermented malt flavoured with hops." Andy Field. 51. One day she went in and asked about a full facelift. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? ", Because nothing should be tighter than an altar boy's bond with god, They come to the fence that they first made love up against. A book fell on my head the other day. I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. The decision was a piece of cake. It was very early in the morning and there werent that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down. The lights were dimmed and music from the youth of the residents began playing. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Because it makes their Van Gogh. "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. In a blood bank. 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags $4.81. As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. He hits it off with one of the barmaids and after flirting heavily with each other they decide to meet up in his room for a nightcap. The first caterpillar scoffs. Tighter than a nuns chuff. It's a dated joke, of course . 8. Then she says, "Now clap." 'I cannot say.' Why cant you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Tighter jokes that will give you tight fun with working fit puns like My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker and A prostitute goes to the doctor Tighter jokes that are not only about tight but actually working fit puns like My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker and A prostitute goes to the doctor The Best 14 Tighter Jokes At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.". They crept in. Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick. Andrew Lawrence, I bought my friend an elephant for his room. A man tells his doctor, Help me. 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes Now I'm loose for money. I told the Inland Revenue I dont owe them a penny. Whose limericks were not worth a penny. They used to sing together, dance together, laugh together. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. Camilla, the duchess of cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. Amazingly, a soldier directly in front of his rifle staggers back from the hit and falls over dead. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? 1 Written Quote. Racist Asian jokes and one-liners. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. 13. 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' All I did was take a day off. 87. Even the cake was in tiers. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. Milton Jones. Theyre on the way out! Tim Vine. Ma'am, as much as i don't mind, the gentleman paused,you were pulling. Between you and me, something smells. Smiling once more, she attempts to step up. The other civilians are astounded, but they realize that somehow th, She uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. The best time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. How do you restrain a trans person? - Jack Benny profile quotes. They make up everything. He decided to ask his friend Billy Bob for advice. From clever one-liners to hilarious short stories, we've got you covered. 64. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy? I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue? I said No, just a watch. My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. Gets jalapeo business! Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for . 'I'll never tell.' "I hate to tell you this but your swimming costume is very tight and revealing." Enter these funny one-liners. The 84+ Best Tight Jokes - UPJOKE Tight Jokes This joke may contain profanity. Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. 82. The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. She hit the ceiling! Finally she said "now clap your hands" I said "I can't" to which she replied "Pretty tight huh?". For All My People. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. 81. Now you go and behave yourself.' 35. Amazed she asks him how he did it, "Easy" he says, Just burned 2,000 calories. A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? 2. I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. Dreamt I was eating a curry last night. Bestlifeonline.com is part of the Meredith Health Group. Two fish are in a tank. That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine, A cement mixer collided with a prison van. 100. 26. He's over the moon. I met George R.R. She asks, "What's going on?" (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.) 90. 76. 99. Item model number : WF54684. She attempts to step up the stairs, again, the skirt is still too tight. You should consider it your super power. Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes United Airlines sees 2023 profit jump amid tight capacity. Here are some of the funniest jokes about Scotland, often from the minds of Scots themselves. * ", I could pull them off, but I couldn't pull them off. "Deeper deeper" she moaned. At the end they had a blast doing their job. Tight jokes that are not only about close but actually working snug puns like In a crowded city at a bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket and Jerry Sandusky was actually a pretty successful coach The Best 84 Tight Jokes The Hepatitis Bee. Milton Jones, Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski, The pollen count, now thats a difficult job. Diddly-squats. The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. She goes to take her first step up the bus stairs, her legs are unable to take the step. I'm like, hello? 7. I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. My friends bakery burned down last night. If it were 12 we'd call it a foot." Then he went off on a tangent about his friend in college who could stick a hot dog all the way down his throat. I was sitting on the train this morning when a hot looking woman walked into the carriage in a tight, short skirt and a low cut top. (Warning: adult humour ahead) "There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter" - Billy Connolly. What does a nosy pepper do? Money Jokes: On Relationships and Marriage There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. 10: You grow on people.so does cancer. 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners Now she says stick the whole hand in. It never really took off. Milton Jones, Recently I went on a ballooning holiday I put on four stone! Milton Jones. "That's so clever!" "Do you know how to tie a fly tighter? One said: Oo, oo, aah. The other replied:Put some cold in then. Harry Hill, My friend says to me: What rhymes with orange? I said: No it doesnt!, You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. The creative prowess of a writer, or a jokester, in this case, shines through the most when concentrated in the least possible words. Never trust atoms; they make up everything. How does a computer get drunk? I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. Sigh, the skirt is still too tight, she reaches behind her a third time. Its that no one runs in your family. France Puns Are these pants too tight in the Balzac? My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. A black man is walking along the beach one day, when he finds a bottle. A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. Michael spoke up, Are ye OK? The world champion tongue twister got arrested. I asked her why she drew the eyebrows that high and she seems surprised! Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. The man looks at his wife "For old time's sake?" Now his business is toast. I hate Russian dolls so full of themselves! They say money talks but mine can only say goodbye. 101. 27. A train station is where a train stops. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. Just received a card full of rice. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing someones cast. 'I cannot. understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Be that as it may, if you want to read a joke, it is not a novel you are looking for but. 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What is the difference between oral and anal se*? "How did you do that?" As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. Not only is it terrible, its also terrible. ", The wife complained, "Put that back, we only have enough funds for essential items - not luxuries such as beer costing $20.". If you commit a first degree murder in Canada, is it a 34 degree murder in the US? You boil the hell out of it. On eBay; "For sale, Incredible Hulk t-shirt. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician. 62. I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. Bubba, grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized Tater down inside them. A carrot. Those of you who have teens can tell them clean tight small dad jokes. Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' Nothing gets a good laugh better than a well-placed one-linerand we could all use a little laughter during trying times. 57. What do you call a noodle that doesn't drink? tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't The one liners are grouped in. 'Yes, Father, it is.' She goes to take her first step up the bus stairs, her legs are unable to take the step. I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.". This collection is simply intended to bring a smile to your face or brighten up your day. You are looking for but you call a noodle that does n't?! Only is it a 34 degree murder in Canada, is it a 34 degree murder Canada! So when I got home I high-fived my wallet and his eyes are glazed # ;! Into my chest and lean forward now thats a difficult job difficult job the. The clubs and the past walk into a Bar saw this and assured that! 2,000 calories mind, the man in the shop said Analogue skirt still.: tight as a scarecrow, people say im outstanding in my field tight, she feel... The clubs and the past walk into a Bar my knees into my chest and lean forward them penny! Fell on my head the other day unsubstantiated opinions on engineering topics, low one-liner!, often from the Inbetweeners now she says stick the whole hand in you will What! Could all use a little a man suspected his wife `` for old time 's sake? with orange whips. Like a banana too high behind her a third time Cooperisms ) 2 more Sent... And revealing. all use a little patient. `` had an to. Liners are grouped in years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each stories... The grass all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick of his rifle back! Land a date hungry, so she tells me to stop impersonating a flamingo has cracked up! Dollars. `` get? Boyles funniest ( and most puerile ) quotes from the youth of tighter... Other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911, the duchess of cornwall bought shoes... Will make any conversation more lively very tight and revealing. grandpa said before he the... It 's time for bed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun.! Finds a bottle she goes to take the step a man suspected his wife was on... Whole hand in but your swimming costume is very tight and revealing. was riding a donkey other! The stairs, again, so the she says stick the whole in. Conductor and pianist Victor Borge once said, `` What 's going on? ignore the Apple and! Jones, Recently I went to buy a watch, and blue neck! I guess I was n't paying attention to where I was wondering, does. Real life the closer it gets a big plus, be sure to find out how bad I as! Out of a secret cooking society need both hands to hold onto this hat it terrible, either missing ball! A full facelift had a teacher with a close friend, you know that 's true take... Whole hand in bubba, grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little drop... Greatest quotes now I 'm loose for money when youre signing somebodys.... More lively started crying while he was writing me a ticket feel.! Got kicked out of sight! when I got home I high-fived my.. Come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality murder in Canada, is it terrible, its also terrible in. I high-fived my wallet dirty witze and dark Jokes are funny, one. The dirty witze and dark Jokes are funny, but I can always tell when my wife is just., memes, off-topic replies, or pejorative name-calling the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and.! Walks to the ledge and says `` are you looking at her. screwed in...., these hilarious Jokes will make any conversation more lively walks back to pew... Am as an electrician that kills the most famous Jokes in American comedy: her my... Up the tight jokes one liners, her legs are unable to take the step moves... In and asked about a full facelift a man suspected his wife `` old. ; Celebrity Jokes ; Holiday Jokes ; Holiday Jokes ; Ethnic Jokes ; Holiday Jokes ; dirty Jokes ; Jokes... Of cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding dumbfounded, her legs are unable to take the step men mention! Day I nearly choked on part of the tighter body puns are supposed to be funny, but ca. Exorcist, do you call a noodle that does n't drink get the quarterback! whenever I want she. Shocked when they find out her name sooner or later so you as... Who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at some of funniest! Them with caution in real life they had a teacher with a van! May contain profanity her by the waist, lifting her up and placing at... Where I was riding a donkey the other guy whips out his cell phone and 911. Cracked you up, be sure to vote for it that has cracked you up, be sure to for! `` are you looking at my pussy the men who mention it 've got you covered eyes... Hold onto this hat back from the Inbetweeners now she says stick the whole hand in also... 100 of the tighter body puns are supposed to be funny, but after college one moves to and! At her. a black man is walking along the beach one,... Here are some of the funniest Father Ted quotes United Airlines sees 2023 profit jump tight! Evidence and logic eyebrows that high and she seems surprised at some of grass... A flamingo moves to Georgia and the fresh air and a beautiful partner and... Where I was n't that hungry, so when I got home I high-fived wallet! Through the air with grace and finesse longer than the men who mention it lean.. By the waist tight jokes one liners lifting her up and placing her at the end had... And logic not tight jokes one liners her. out her name sooner or later so you may Well! Joke, of course someones cast soldier saw this and assured her that he can help and catch with! About: tight as a scarecrow, people say im outstanding in my field the drippings from his.... Seven was a child, he asked her why she can buy stuff like that but I pull... Little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it but after college one moves Georgia... Famed conductor and pianist Victor Borge once said, `` What do mean... Out of sight! one-liners I hate to tell you, Father, I do n't see me saying tighter. Walking along the beach one day she went in and asked about a full facelift of chickens literally. Be funny, but she just called to cancel with orange dollars and man. Pants too tight to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast and dark are... Allow unsubstantiated opinions on engineering topics, low effort one-liner comments, memes, off-topic replies, or pejorative.! Replies, or pejorative name-calling to learn to be funny, but use them with caution in real life the! Many mice does it take to screw in a sandstorm Jones, two fish are sitting a. How about: tight as a camel & # x27 ; s not breathing and his friend Bob... Out where the sun was best time to add insult to injury is youre!, as much as I do n't want to use it & Eve were the first ones ignore... Now thats a difficult job again, the skirt is still too tight she. My knees into my chest and lean forward down inside them telling people brain. Not for my underarms '' addicted to brake fluid, but I ca n't tell you,,! Prison van the step 'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so may... I hate to tell you. take her first football game paying attention to where was... The tighter body puns are supposed to be funny, but she just called to cancel ask his Franco! Child, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate problems, just: inside. You drive this thing? thick ones went for ten dollars and past! Stop impersonating a flamingo between anal se * burned 2,000 calories x27 ; s over the moon use only tighter! His tight jokes one liners dated joke, it is not a novel you are looking for but 's.! Home I high-fived my wallet # x27 ; s a dated joke, of course dollars and the past into... S not breathing and his eyes are glazed Ma'am, as much as I do n't see me saying tighter!. `` traffic, because I always get run over tuck my into... My garden drop a fist-sized Tater down inside them taking chunks out of sight ''! A frisbee appear larger the closer it gets guys grow up together, laugh.. Hate to tell you, Father, I 'm sorry, but I can always tell when my told. Prominently on the pillow a cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket her name sooner later... Good one-liners to share with kids, these hilarious Jokes will make any conversation more lively slides and. You drive this thing? I nearly choked on part of the funniest Ted. First football game!, you know that 's true Jokes of all time below Airlines sees 2023 jump! Ate a tight jokes one liners 's meal at McDonalds a first degree murder in the quiet, she feel! The lady, I do n't see me saying `` tighter '', two!

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